You Have Nothing to Feel BLANK About...?

As a parent, it’s natural to expect emotional reactions when your child is navigating a tough situation—like a fight with a friend, the loss of a pet, or a stressful move. We often anticipate sadness, anger, fear, or anxiety in these moments.

But what about when your child is feeling bad and you can’t figure out why?
You may find yourself thinking—or even saying—“You have nothing to feel sad about.”
But if they’re feeling it, it matters. So what can you do?

Step 1: Validate Their Feelings

Even when everything looks fine from the outside, your child’s emotional experience is real. Their feelings are based on their perceptions—not necessarily on what’s “logical” or obvious to you. Validating your child’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree or that you're endorsing unhelpful behaviors. It just means you're listening. You’re saying, “Your emotions are real, and they’re safe with me.”

❌Don’t say: “There’s nothing to be sad/scared/worried about.”

✅Do say: “It sounds like you’re feeling ___ about this. I’m here. How can I help?”

Step 2: Try to See It from Their Perspective

If your child is afraid to go to school, you’re not going to let them stay home indefinitely—but you might sit with them and ask what feels hard. Maybe they’re nervous about a test or struggling socially. What feels like “no big deal” to you might feel overwhelming to them. Children don’t have adult coping tools yet. Even positive experiences—like going to a great school or being involved in lots of activities—can sometimes feel intense or stressful.

Feelings are temporary, but they are meaningful

Start by helping your child name what they’re feeling, think about what might be contributing to it, and work together on ways to manage it.

Step 3: Help Them Cope—Not Suppress

Trying to talk kids out of their feelings usually backfires. Instead, support them in learning how to cope.

❌Don’t say:

“It’s not a big deal.”
“You have nothing to be upset about.”
“You should be grateful.”

✅ Do say:

“It makes sense that you’re feeling that way. Let’s figure out how to get through it.”

Try together:

• Taking deep breaths

• Going for a walk

• Doing something creative or silly with your child (laughter can help, but it shouldn't come at their expense)

• Just listening

What to Avoid—and What to Say Instead

❌ “You have so much. I didn’t have all this. You shouldn’t feel bad.”

✅ “Help me understand what’s feeling hard for you right now.”

This comparison doesn’t help. Your child doesn’t have your frame of reference. Even if their life looks easier than yours did, they’re still allowed to struggle.

❌ “I don’t have time for this right now.”

✅ “I see you’re upset. I need to finish this first, and then I’ll give you my full attention.”

It’s true—life is busy, and it’s hard when emotions come up during a stressful moment. But your child is paying attention to your response.

❌ “Just say it already.”

✅ Do something together—like drawing, cooking, or playing a game—and let the conversation unfold naturally.
“I want to hear how you're feeling. Take your time.”
“Do you want help figuring this out, or do you just want me to listen?”

Rushing your child to talk often makes them shut down.

❌ “You need therapy.”

✅ “A therapist can help you talk about things that feel big or confusing—and give you tools to feel better. It’s okay to talk to someone outside the family.”

Therapy is a helpful tool—not a punishment. The way you present it matters.

Why it Works (and a Real Example):

Sometimes parents want a plan of action—something concrete to “do.” And while it may not feel like listening or validating are active steps, they are. In fact, they may be the most powerful actions you can take in the moment.

Here's what that can look like with a young child:

One young child I worked with looked up at me with wide, anxious eyes. She clearly had something she wanted to say—but couldn’t find the words. Eventually, she used a puppet to speak through, just to get it out.

I sat quietly and waited, gently letting her know I was here, I wouldn’t be upset, and she could take her time. She watched my face closely—every flicker of expression. Her worry? Something small and fixable. But to her, it felt huge. Not because of what the issue was, but because:

• She didn't yet have practice expressing big emotions

• She was scared of how I (or her parents) would react

• It just felt too big to say out loud without help

It was a reminder: sometimes the content of the worry is less important than the experience of being heard.

What this looks like with teens:

The need for validation doesn’t disappear with age—it just looks different.

One teen had been struggling with anxiety for quite some time. His parents were divorced but co-parented well. He was thriving academically and had a large group of friends. From the outside, everything looked fine. But on the inside, he was carrying a quiet burden—one he didn't yet have the words to express. Eventually, during a game of Uno, he started to open up. It wasn't dramatic. In fact, it was a small, quiet moment. He shared that he had always felt some responsibility for his parents' divorce. Of course, it wasn't his fault—and his parents had no idea he had been carrying that belief.

Key takeaway:

Because when your child is overwhelmed, their nervous system is on high alert. Children and teens often don’t need us to fix the problem. They need to know they can bring us their truth—even the uncomfortable parts—and we’ll stay calm, curious, and compassionate. And if there is a problem to fix, you'll guide them through it.

Emotional validation helps:

• Reduce emotional intensity

• Build trust and connection

• Teach kids how to name and process feelings

• Support long-term resilience and self-regulation

And it’s not always easy. It can take patience, especially when the issue seems small or confusing from your adult perspective.

When to Seek Additional Support

Sometimes, emotional distress becomes more than a passing feeling. If your child’s anxiety, sadness, or anger feels overwhelming or ongoing, or if it starts interfering with school, friendships, or daily routines—it may be time to seek support.

Therapy can help children understand and manage their emotions, and it can help you as a parent support them more effectively.

Final Thoughts

Your child is allowed to have their feelings. Even when you don’t understand what they’re feeling—or why—your job isn’t to fix it right away. It’s to stay present, stay curious, and stay connected.

Big feelings don’t last forever. But how we respond to them can have a lasting impact.

Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional care. If you or your child needs support, please consult a licensed mental health professional. You’re welcome to share or reproduce this content with credit to Dr. Tatyana Shchupak and a link to tspsychological.com.