You Received Bad News. Now What?

Why does bad news always come at the worst possible time?

It always seems like bad news comes at the worst time. Truth is, there’s never a "good" time for it—but when it hits, it can feel like the wind’s been knocked out of you, like you're in freefall.

The impact, of course, depends on many factors: what the news is, the potential consequences, the resources you have to deal with it, and whether it was unexpected. Some bad news will have a deep, lasting impact—like the loss of a loved one. Other stressors may be easier to cope with—losing something that didn't have significant value.

How should we feel?

This is a bit of a trick question because there's no right answer here. Whatever you feel—it's all normal. It's okay to feel however you feel. You may feel angry, sad, scared, hopeless, or anxious. You'll probably have a range of emotions, and those emotions may change over time as the news settles in.

Our emotions are shaped by our history, our coping style, and how much this news disrupts our sense of self. That’s why no two reactions are exactly the same.

Why do you feel that way?

• Sometimes we start questioning who we are and how this news changes that. For example, when someone is diagnosed with an illness and they can no longer work, their view of themselves changes in seconds. The way they're viewed by others may change. The way we define ourselves and our priorities shifts. Your future looks quite different. It's a powerful and scary experience. Of course, you'd have big feelings!

• Our fight-or-flight response is activated. If you read the article where I reference how our emotion center (the amygdala) overwhelms our rational thinking, well it's at it again. And it can cause us physical symptoms— like nausea, racing heart, and a feeling like your stomach drops. Bad news activates the amygdala like jump-starting a car. Cortisol and adrenaline spike, and you are STRESSED.

• You may feel like you've lost control and that the world has been upended. Predictability might be boring, but it's also comfortable—we know what to expect and what to do. When we feel thrown off a cliff (like the picture up there), we can't imagine landing safely on our feet. We can't even imagine ever seeing the ground again, even though it's just below us.

• When we lose someone or something we care deeply about, it creates all sorts of negative feelings because loss is hard. We form attachments and it's incredibly difficult when those are gone.

What can you do about it?

1. Give Yourself Time to Process. Bad news punches you in the gut, and you need a little time to get your bearings before you can really understand what happened, how you feel about it, and what to do next.

2. Talk—or Don’t. A lot of people feel better when they can share with someone they trust. When you’re vulnerable and someone else can hold those emotions with you, you don’t feel so alone.

3. Engage in Self-Care. Take the day off if you need to, do something that makes you happy, or even small things that help you feel calm. My two favorite things—being in nature and playing with animals. What are yours?

4. Ask Grounding Questions. Once you’re in a place to use your rational brain, let’s get started. What does the news actually mean? Start by asking some questions and really looking at the situation. Maybe it’s not as dire as you thought—or maybe it is. What information do you need to better understand the situation? What resources or support do you need? What do you still not know? What are you feeling most upset by? Is this happening now, or are you worried about the future?

5. Break It Down into Steps. Tackling the entire issue at once can be overwhelming. It’s like trying to climb a massive cliff—it feels impossible. But if you focus on identifying stepping stones along the way and working on just one at a time, it won’t feel as daunting.

6. Let Go of Self-Blame and Shame. Forgive yourself for whatever you think you may have done. Sometimes, the situation is completely out of your control (which is hard too). Even if there were things you could’ve done differently, we all make mistakes, and blaming yourself won’t change anything. It’ll only make you feel worse and less able to cope. While you’re at it—let go of the embarrassment too. No one chooses bad news, and yet everyone experiences it at one point or another.

7. Reconnect with Support. You are not alone. Bad news has a way of creating isolation and making you feel like no one else has gone through this before. We know that’s not true. Sometimes it helps to know the statistics on how many people have had to deal with similar things. Chances are those numbers are high. It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it opens up your support system.

8. Find Small Things that Matter and Make You Happy Every Day. If the stressor is ongoing, coping will be a process. There’s nothing wrong with you if you “can’t just move on.” We grieve the life we thought we would have when our circumstances change drastically.

9. Try a Support Group, Therapy, or Something New. Try therapy or a support group. Try something new that you’ve always wanted to do. If you’ve been waiting for the right time, the time is now.

Final Thoughts

Bad news is always tough, but it doesn’t have to knock you out completely. With time, self-compassion, and the right tools, you can find a way to cope and come out stronger on the other side.

Disclaimer: This blog is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional care. If you or your child needs support, please consult a licensed mental health professional. You’re welcome to share or reproduce this content with credit to Dr. Tatyana Shchupak and a link to tspsychological.com.